I try to keep posts on here fairly upbeat…full of snark and whimsy…but mostly positive. Mostly warm fuzzies, puppy dogs and rainbows.
And then, there are other days. “The Lows” I call them.
Days where I have to keep an extraextraextra close eye and hand on Mayor Bee.
Days where I would do just about anything to be freed from Autism’s grip. I wouldn’t say I HATE Autism, just that we’re not always best buddies. That all I want to do is to give it the big hairy stink eye.
I sometimes play the “I wonder” game. Like…I wonder what would a day be like, for example:
When I don’t have to analyze a day and make sure that B gets enough stimulation…but not too much…that he doesn’t get overstimulated and swing to the other side of the pendulum.
When I could do a drop-off at a Little Gym, or whatever and be able to have some free time without worrying about him injuring an unsuspecting child who inadvertenly “got in his space”.
When I see the caller ID from B’s daycare and immediately not think, “what on earth did he do this time”?
When if I tell him “No” he does not collapse into full-bore meltdown mode for 30 minutes? That the head banging/arm flapping/running into walls would just cease?
When if I’m looking for a potential babysitter I don’t have to do a specialized search for ASD/ADHD/Special Needs?
Or how about taking him to a store and not worry about him testing the accoustics of the building or the hearing limits of my fellow shoppers?
These are the days where it takes all of my self control to not lock MYSELF in a room for a timeout. That the frustration that I get after constantly redirecting and reminding B just drains me. I do a lot of what I call “The Marge”, which entails heavy sighing and gritting my teeth (which I’m sure my dentist will be glad to see at the next checkup).
And then I feel horrible, because I’m supposed to be strong for him, to be a good example. It’s kind of hard when I spent valuable time massaging my temples and trying not to pull out my hair. He deserves better, and sometimes I just can’t give it.
I just hope that The Lows never stay around for too long. I’m too busy to have to worry about you too.