Yeah, I haven’t been around.
I haven’t looked at the blog in weeks. In fact, it took a couple of attempts to remember my password to login.
You see, it’s been a tough time. And this time, I just didn’t have the energy to write anything about it.
Life just got in the way. Here’s a recap:
Life Without Dad
Working through Dad’s stuff has been…interesting. Maybe eye-opening is more like it. Mom was suspicious that Dad kept a lot of stuff from her. And…she was right. Not anything truly outrageous (like he bought a boat or something) but Dad loved the Internet. And online shopping. And Ebay. And Amazon.
Amazon he loved in particular – he not only held a Prime membership but also had a variety of subscriptions that renewed automatically. That would explain an order that showed up at the house in January for K-cups and individual bags of potato chips.
Mom is nowhere near computer savvy (I relish success that she has actually used her new email address from the tablet Dad gave her) so I am the one to research and give her advice. I also have Dad’s laptop which I’ve been going through various e-mails and changing what passwords I can. I’ve been on the phone with various companies to sort out the mess. Now poor Mom is getting letters from credit card companies asking for payment for things she had zippy knowledge.
I give Mom lots of credit – she understands what she has to do and is making a great effort to change and close accounts. It’s harder since she’s up in Pennsylvania and the weather has not been great (more on that later) but she’s doing ok.
I have to start planning his “burial” service. Since he was cremated, we were working on logistics on where to have him placed. The church has allowed us to bury him on top of his dad (my grandfather).
I miss him a lot.
And I’ll have to do their taxes again.
School days (and lack thereof) has taken a toll on all of us. Remember, “Winter Break” started when my Dad died (December 20). So B did not have school until January 2nd. January 3rd began the first snow day of what will be many for us.
Some days it was snow, some it was ice, and snow because it was just too damn cold (Polar Vortex is a popular name, no?). There was one entire week in January without school (MLK day plus four snow days).
All of this really threw B into a tailspin. The days we got him out for snow play were better – obviously the activity helped him maintain some handle on things. The other days were rough. If there was a school delay instead, that would mess up Mayita’s schedule because I took her there after putting B on the bus. If he went to daycare, the change would throw him off.
Then Mother Nature freaked out and gave us a few warm days. That made it worse – one day I can get him out on a bike, the next day it was 30 degrees colder and the gloves are back out.
About a month ago is when it started going downhill. B’s behavior regressed. His mood swings become more prevalent and intense. Teachers became rightly concerned as were we since it was happening at home. Husband and I met with the teachers and director to construct an “Action Plan” (similar to his BIP at school) to help with issues. We were asked to adjust our schedules to pick him up by 4:00 PM daily. That causes some confusion with Mayita, because she wonders why she needs to leave earlier some days.
Then, the calls started. There were a few times when B couldn’t even last until 4:00 PM. We were confused, frustrated, and just…sad. It was a flashback, one that I take as a bad omen. The staff love B and the fact that they are working with us is not lost on me, and I’m so grateful. I know it’s not the ideal environment but we are working on it.
Regardless, it doesn’t diminish my constant fear of the phone ringing and the overall feeling of failure. Or how he’s so damn smart that he knows he can manipulate his behavior in order to be picked up early. It’s like he remembers when he was a toddler and when he bit “x” number of times one of us had to get him from daycare (another flashback).
So now I’m lost. Obviously I have to discipline him. But it’s for something that he ended up getting rewarded for (going home for bad behavior). He’s remorseful and he knows that I’m upset but it doesn’t change the end result.
Terrible Threes Show Up Early
Ah, yes, Mayita. Great gal – bit of a stubborn streak. Not sure where that comes from (ahem). I hate to downplay her life because what she’s going through is…well, typical. She’s almost three, and is going through your standard tantrums/defiance/meltdowns/sibling rivalry. It’s hard because many times I have to handle whatever B is doing and I don’t want to neglect her. Or sweep her behaviors under the carpet. She’s smart too – she can turn on her cuteness, tilt her head, giggle and pretty much charm anyone.
Potty training has been a roller coaster. I’m proud of her for initiative and, yes, this time around has been MUCH easier. Still – with everything else going on, washing multiple pairs of stained underwear not exactly in my short-term plan.
What About Me?
So, you can probably see where this is going. I’m very tired. I’ve been having bouts of insomnia or disrupted sleep due to one (or both) kid’s sleep issues. My anxiety has skyrocketed and the panic attacks frequently visit. My stomach has been bothering me – either anxiety or digestive issues.
At my last physical the doctor noted that it will soon be time to take out my gallbladder (two years ago I started having issues). We revisited medication for my anxiety.
It’s clear that I needed to step back from here as my life went upside down. Even now it took a week to finish this post. But, fret not, I’m still around.
I hope to be back full speed soon.